One of the driving forces of my life is the need to constantly improve myself. I am NEVER satisfied with anything I do. I'm always feeling inadequate and pressured to perform better. It's 100 % or nothing. 
A friend told me that feelings of inadequacy and pressure are typically rooted in childhood experiences. I'm from a family of sports and was basically raised to be a competitor. My brain has a tendency to mix up You can always do better and you can always learn and grow with It's not enough and it will probably never be enough. 
"Ok. You might have achieved a million other goals, but do you have perfect skin? Can you recite Shakespeare? Can you run 20 kms instead of only 10 kms? Do I look weird from that angle? Can you read 5 books a month like you used to do when you were a teenager?" - My brain. (Just like that Shania Twain's 90's hit. But minus the guy who thinks he's Brad Pitt or owns an impressing car or whatever. Lol. And the cat suit. The suit is pretty awesome though) 
I'm certain that I'm not the only one when I say that alot of people are never adequate, never good enough, never self-confident, never perfect, never comfortable with ourselves, never satisfied, never really content. Or as content as we want to feel. As content as we think we need feel to accept ourselves.
It doesn't matter if I have achieved a thousand other goals. I'm always left feeling unfulfilled. I'm not saying that I'm always grasping for outside validation. I've never really been one to care about external attention or what others might think about me. Well, to be honest I really don't give a shit. It's always been about myself and my own thoughts about myself. 
I used to be obsessed with Meg Cabot's "Princess Diaries" book series in my tween toteenager years. (Those books are brilliant by the way. I was re-reading them two years ago and I couldn't stop howling. It has too many genius pop-cultural references and if you know me, you also know that I live for pop-cultural references) - and the lead character, Mia was always talking about reaching self actualization = Living to your true potential. 
I've come to accept that this is me and probably always will be the way I think. 

Clodpate: Still a work in progress

I'm back.
I finally got my domain name back after a year-long battle with a clodpate (I LOVE love love that word so much. And what exactly is a clodpate?..... It's a loooooooong story that I promise that I'll make a post about soon!)
To quote my last "I'm back" post: "Writing has always been such an important part of my life and putting feelings and thoughts into words produces therapeutic effects for me. I feel much calmer"
So what have I been up to instead of blogging? 
Alot have happened since last year. ALOT of which I can't write here but I'll mention a few:
- I'm finishing my University Degree.
- I have been in and out of love and confusing "relationships" with a lot of mixed feelings inbetween (Long story). But that's finally over now (Well some recent drama happened on Valentines Day in LDN but that's completely over, I think...and hope) and I'm finally pretty content with my life. The Incredible Power of Contentment. My life is not perfect but I made room for what I thought and still believe really matters. 
- I've had my usual trips to London. 
- Still writing for BWW. 
- My best friend and I went to New York last summer for 2 weeks. (My second time there, and definitely not my last.)
- I'm working out 6 days a week and started a pretty strict diet in August last year that I'm still following (I can count on one hand how many times I've cheated. lol. I need that summer bod)
- Freaked out over TV-Shows. (JOHN SNOW! GLENN! ANNA-LISE. NEEEEEGAN")
- Also started some new shows. I'm currently following 25 shows. Yes 25!)
- I've been dealing with the loss of my aunt.
- I finally got to see U2 live (One of my all time favorite rock bands since age 6)
- I HAVE BEYONCÉ GOLDEN CIRCLE TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
- Still a work in progress. As the title also says. 


Amsterdam Matte Lip Creme from NYX Cosmetics (THANK YOU MARIANNA HEWITT!)

EVERYDAY: To do list

- Two pictures I took the other day when I walked to the gym in the ice cold winter weather.
I CAN'T believe it's almost Christmas. Where the hell did the days, weeks and months go?
I'm still very stressed though. Why does this time of the year have to be so hectic? You literally can't breath normally until after New Years Eve. 
To do list:
-  Apply for a new passport (And pray that I won't look like a cold-blooded criminal from "Orange Is The New Black" this time).
-  Buy the last of my Christmas presents.
-  Find my lost ski boots so I can go downhill skiing in January.
-  Start watching 'State Of Affairs', House Of Cards', and 2 Broke Girls' 
-  Book tickets to the Broadway shows I'm going to see in June.
-  Send a Xmas package to my cousins in Gambia.
-  Start and finish reading 'A Song of Ice and Fire/ aka Game Of Thrones)
-  Buy new boots and a winter jacket.


 I'm officially going to New York in June! I haven't been there since 2010 so I'm thrilled. My friend and I are first going to London for a couple of days and then squeeze in a trip to Paris before we take the Dreamliner flight to the Big Apple. Exciting times. 

Everyday: Friday

Headed out for drinks last night with a company I'm not usually hanging out with. But I had fun, and enjoyed my Baileys which I have been longing for, for months! Liqueur is my absolute favourite thing after white wine!
I'm currently doing some internet shopping. I have SO much other stuff I NEED to do and work out but I just can't bring myself to do it. Internet shopping is mildly more appealing and retail therapy is the best therapy. 


Last week, when I was on my way to pour myself a second cup of morning coffee I sat down and said out loud: "Wow I really do have an obsession with coffee....". I convinced myself to not have a cup the next day..but I got a horrendous headache instead (Yay...) So I decided that I would try to cut down my coffee consumption and gradually replace it with Green Tea instead. And I have kind of succeded, if you don't count my constant grumpy mood lol. I drink about 2-4 cups a day now and I'm already feeling more energized during the day.
Before my morning cuppa, I also take two different types of iron tablets (regular and effervescent) because of a medicine I take every day to slow down my ridiculously fast heart rate, however it also lowers my already low blood pressure in the process and makes me even more tired than I already am. So it's kind of like a dark circle.


Mum and I got invited to a dinner party last week at some old family friends apartment in town. They served us fantastic beef fillet, fried potatos and spiced sausages. Mmm. My mouth is watering just by thinking about it. 


Not sure if this counts as "New In" as I got it almost a month ago. However, my old iPhone 5 screen cracked this summer and was barely usable, so I got myself the new golden iPhone 6. And no, it does not bend. The phone is very big compared to the i5 though, and slippery. I've been close to dropping it more than once.


I have had an uneventful, but good Tuesday. Woke up way too late, in time for dinner (LASAGNA!) and went for a short walk to buy the beauty in the picture. So my plans for the rest of the night is to light candles, catch up on TV-Shows and devour my ice cream.


I have been meaning to buy a new Passport Cover for months but haven't come around to it until my recent trip to LDN when I had some time to kill at Stockholm Airport. I bought the one from the picture at Victoria's Secret  and I really, really like it because it matches my black and golden wallet! I couldn't find this particular item on their website but I'm sure that you can get it at any VS store.

Travels: London October 2014

I went to London for the second time this year. It has become a tradition to go there twice a year for fun times with friends, shopping and theatre now. The main reason for this trip when I booked the tickets in the summer was Dutch Willemijn Verkaik's (My all time favorite Elphaba Thropp in Wicked) last shows in London but she had to depart early to have surgery for her back injury. Which was such a bummer, but I got to see the legendary Kerry Ellis twice instead and laugh at the Muck Up matinée which was brilliant. I also saw the new American lead Jennifer DiNoia who was breathtaking. Definitely my second favorite after Will! Those riffs.
I managed to get front and second row tickets to Miss Saigon (Second time) and Once as well. But I will probably publish a separate post about them when I have time. 


Street art (If pretty or nicely done) is something I've always liked and it was rumoured that the British graffiti artist king Banksy was arrested a few weeks ago when I was in London. These rumours turned out to be false hours later. 
I'm also intrigued by the theory that Banksy is actually a woman and not a man as many people are convinced. Or a group of people and not one individual. I can't wait until the day he/she/shim reveals her/him/shimself.


Lena Dunham is the center of attention on social media right now (Right... after #AlexFromTarget hahahha but let's not get into that). She released a memoir a couple of weeks ago and has during the last few days been accused of some pretty horrible stuff. I'm going to be totally honest and admit that I haven't been keeping up 100% with it, so I don't really know for sure what's true and what's not true. I only know what I read in the book which honestly made me raise my eyebrow in a confused, disgusted and uncomfortable way, but I'm not going to discuss and judge someone and something when I don't know all the facts. I am very afraid to say anything about this topic because I know that I will get slaughtered either way. I'm just going to talk about some parts in the book that I have read, and loved.
If you haven't seen the HBO's TV-show 'GIRLS' yet, it's your own loss because I personally think the show is hilarious, raw, funny and real. People compare it to Sex And The City because it involves girls who often talk about sex in New York City but I think it pretty much ends there. They are very different. Lena Dunham plays one of the leading roles in the show and writes in her book about experiences and lessons we encounter in the show, but also each and every day, in a very humerous way. 
It is hard being a young woman in todays society, we have unrealistic expectations of finding the perfect median between being a respectable classy girl/woman and "young, wild and crazy" and standing out from the crowd is harder than people think. It really is. Especially when you live in a smaller northen town like I do. 
That's the reason why bigger cities always have appealed to me, I personally consider myself as an open minded and accepting (at least as accepting as possible, because judgment is part of the human experience and we can't escape it) person who admires and look up to people who are brave enough to stand out, and it is easier to take that step in a city where you never meet the same people twice. But back to the book. 
I thought it was great, well at least the parts that didn't make me feel uncomfortable, and I would lie if I said that I didn't expect it to be that way when I bought it. Memoirs are supposed to be controversial and honest. I remember when Joe Jonas revealed his share of shockers in a magazine  about how Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato (who are 3 years younger than him) made him test drugs for the first time and my entire childhood and teenage years crashed (Lol). However, that's the life in the public eye. 
Lena Dunham is a white, privileged woman, Emma Watson is a white privileged woman and the fact that many feminists embraces Lena Dunham and Emma Watson but not Beyoncé or Nicki Minaj angers me. But I love Emma Watson, and I still think that Lena Dunham is a brave human being. 
I'm not going to change my opinion about the book. I liked it, even though it's written by a white privileged woman. 


I have very, very sensitive skin so I have during the last year tossed most (except my dear Big Bold Mascara) of my old drugstore make-up and replaced it with more expensive brands.  
Probably my all time favorite foundation. I bought one (Pebble) for the first time this spring and fell in love with it. My skintone was much darker than usual this summer because of the heatwave and my trip to Alanya in May, so I had to buy a new lighter shade (Ivory Beige) that I could blend with my old one. 
The foundation is remarkably lasting, and especially with the loose powder which I will write about later. It completley covers up my blemishes and is also buildable and doesn't feel "heavy" or "caked" at all. It just gives a lovely finish to your skin. 
I use this over my Double Wear foundation and it's definitely a must have! It's lightweight and doesn't settle in lines or pores. I can't remember the exact intensity I'm wearing but if you ask at the store they will help you find the perfect one. I bought my powder at Boots in London
Naturally big lips and northen climate is not a good combination and I am the living proof of that. I can only wear lipstick on rare occasions because most brands dry out my already dry lips even more. I have to exfoliate my lips 5 days a week and use the lipbalm Carmex Cherry before and after I go to bed. But Estee Lauders Pure Color Lipstick is moisturizing and stays on for hours.
Quickly and gently removes all makeup. Just like it is supposed to. It feels nice and smells good as well.
I use Night repair and Advanced Time Zone afterwards
It stays true to colour, goes on effortless and looks natural throughout the day.
I use a the brush that comes with and then a bigger cheaper brush I bought at H&M. 


As the title says: I am back! With not only a new domain name, but also new thoughts, ideas and a new me. Well... I'm still very childish, obsessed with TV shows, popcorn, chocolate and Harry Potter, but you get the idea. Lol. 
I have missed having a blog, alot. Writing has always been such an important part of my life and putting feelings and thoughts into words produces therapeutic effects for me. I feel much calmer. 
As you can see in my blog description (Hello mother! No mum, I'm not an alcoholic!) I will try to post everyday thoughts, photos, reviews, personal style, wishlists and posts that fall under the category UNCATEGORIZED, which I believe used to be called RANDOM here a time ago. I also have a new domain name - Helena is my middlename and also the given name of my grandmother who I miss everyday. 
I have grown a lot as a person during these 2 years (Ok 1.7 to be exact) - I am now:
- Legal (20-1)
- A HS graduate (We graduate HS much later in Sweden)
- Still a work in progress. As the title also says. 


-Pre Halloween outing last week. I dressed up as Super Girl/Kara Zor El. The costume is from Angels Fancy Dress in Soho, London.



Ja. Det var ju ett bra tag sen. I förrigår skrev jag prov och fick äntligen jullov. Det är julafton om 2 dagar och jag har tappat nästan all julkänsla. Har försökt att tvinga mig själv med julmusik, julklappsinhandling och julkalendrar vilket inte fungerar så bra. Jag antar att sånt ka komma naturligt och inte framtvingat aja. Håller för tillfället på att kika på böcker som jag ska beställa. Har ni boktips så kan ni gärna kommentera, skulle göra mig mer än glad. 

Och ja, Londonbilderna är fortfarande inte uppe. Har fått alla bilder från Madelen, och har faktiskt förberett några inlägg som jag glömt bort. Kan inte säga att jag ska försöka ladda upp dem till veckan eftersom att jag är världens lataste,virrigaste, glömska och trögaste person, så det skulle vara en (vit) lögn.

Tänkte bara säga hej och önska er en God Jul.


Min nya älskare. Fast det var ganska tungt att säga farväl till min gamla svarta 4:a som gett mig tillfredsställelse i två hela år.


Fantastiskt. Finally!


Det var några skolklasser och väldigt många turister från hela världen där, japaner, kineser, norrmän, tyskar, spanjorer, och de flesta var faktiskt i åldrarna 25-40.
Innan vi fick gå in i själva studion så spenderade vi en halvtimme i den gigantiska shoppen där blandannat Honeydukes (Godisbaronen i Hogsmead) fanns. Där blev några hundralappar spenderade.

Först fick vi gå in till ett stort 3D rum där guiden pratade och vi fick se en ganska så långt intro om Harry Potters storhet och höra regler och sedan sjunga för en cancersjuk tjej som fyllde år. Hon var överlycklig.
Sen fick vi gå in i ett annat rum där vi såg en 5 minuters lång sammanfattning av alla filmer på en stor bioskärm, och sedan så rullades skärmen upp och bakom den kom ingången till Stora Salen. Var verkligen inte beredd på det.

Ron Weasleys julbalsklädnad
Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Cho Chang och Viktor Krums julbalsklädnader
Gryffindorpojkarnas sovsal och Harrys säng och tillhörigheter.

Fleur Delacours skolklädnad
Den tjocka damen från De Vises Sten
Efter oändligt tjat laddar jag upp några bilder från mitt besök på Harry Potter studion i Leavesden Watford London. Det var något av de sjukaste jag någonsin har gjort. Det var helt fantastiskt, surrealistiskt. Jag var mållös. Ja ni kan ju tänka er känslan att kliva in i "The Great Hall". Exakt samma Stora Sal som Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson och Rupert Grint har klivit in i under de 10 åren som filmerna spelades in. Magiskt. Helt klart min favorit del på hela tour:en för man kände sig som 6 år igen. Så mäktigt.
Resan dit tog cirka 1 och en halv timme med buss, och som ni ser på bilden nedanför så åkte vi dit i en Harry Potter dubbeldäckare. Inträdet och resan dit var vääldigt dyr. Men så värt det efter 11 års längtan.
(Alla bilder är tagna av mig eller Madelen och är upphovsrättade. )





Lider för tillfället av allvarlig Pre-Musical Depression. Om ni nu inte skulle följa mig på twitter och missat min exaltation inför musikalen jag har velat se i så så så många år får ni höra det nu, JA!!!! jag såg Wicked i London. Ja Wicked. Som hade premiär på Broadway 2003 med miss goddess herself Idina Menzel (Från Rent och Glee och underbara Kristin Chenoweth (GCB, Glee -På bilderna nedanför) Så fantastiskt bra som alltid. Det var den verkligen. Låtarna, rösterna, skådespeleriet ALLT. Jag fick gåshud av den nuvarande huvudskådespelerskan Rachel Tuckers röst och Gina Beck som G(a)linda är briljant!
Det spelar ingen roll om ni aldrig har gillat/gillar musikaler, jag vet så många som har ändrat uppfattning efter att ha sett den här. Wicked sträcker sig i alla möjliga målgrupper. och "Defying Gravity" live. ja. Mållös. Finner inga ord.


Söndag. Ikväll väntar en lång varm dusch, nagellacksmålning, milkshake skapande och läsning. 
(Jag håller på att sortera London bilderna i mappar och väntar fortfarande på maddes bilder. Så de lär komma upp i veckan) Här är ett av de fyra nagellacken jag köpte på Victoria's Secret.



Legandarisk film och snygg tröja jag köpte i London. Kommer att lägga upp fler bilder så småningom när Madde har skickat några av henne.


En tidig, stressad och trött dag. Klockan var ställd på 05.00 och ungefär en timme senare var vi på väg mot Luleå Airport, där vi skulle flyga till Stockholm Arlanda. Efter några timmar på Arlanda med några nya haha...vänner gick flyget 15:30 till London. Väl framme i London tog vi tåget Victoria (Där det första jag ser är en Wicked poster som gjorde mig 1000 gånger mer taggad) och sen tunnelbana till St.Pauls där hotellet låg. Dödströtta så åt vi lite kvällsfika och somnade sen nästan bums.


Sitter på Starbucks på Oxford Street och äter frukost. Resan igår gick bra men jag var så extremt trött. Fick mig i alla fall några timmars sömn inatt. London är som vanligt lika fantastiskt som alltid,och nu ska jag bara njuta, äta, musikala, shoppa och uppleva i 3 dagar.


Nu börjar det närma sig. Jag åker äntligen till London med Madelen imorgon!!!Har varit ganska mycket att fixa med biljetter till alla events vi ska till. 

Musikalen Wicked
Musikalen Phantom Of The Opera
Harry Potter Studio Tour i Watford
och Madam Tussauds är några av sakerna. Kommer bli så himla perfekt!!!!


Saknar New York så himla mycketttttt